I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
