God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
