He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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