I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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