If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
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I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
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