Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
