you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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