at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
