Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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