I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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