i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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