Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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