This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
