he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
