If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
