I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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