You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
