When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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