Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
