he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
