if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
