I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
