I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
