I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
