I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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