I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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