so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
