drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
