guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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