if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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