You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
