After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
