You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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