Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
