i always forget guys have bellybuttons
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
