We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
