This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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