Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
