I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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