Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
