Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
we made out on top of his cat.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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