I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
