If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
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I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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