I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
