I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
