The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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