every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
