dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
