ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
