I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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