textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
