You made me cry and you don't even care
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
