This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize