If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
