i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
