Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
