He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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