if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
